I’ve not been doing much the past few days. Well, by ‘not much’, what my overachiever inner critic really means is: ‘not been doing very much by way of anything very productive, meaningful, or leading to some monetary reward.’
In reality, I have been doing some things. Like going to the gym, for example. And cleaning up my flat and taking some small joy in making my place of solace look more aesthetically pleasing. Taking out the overflowing bag of recycling out in a more timely manner. Picking up a book and actually reading again. A long ago hobby that fell by the wayside a long time ago. And it feels so good to be able to read again.
The truth is, I finally accepted my fate of being burnt out last week. I did one final shift last week, then promptly came home and declared to my partner I just cannot do any more shifts for the foreseeable future. Not until I am capable of feeling anything like myself again.
Being burnt out is hard. The only thing that is harder than being burnt out and still plouging on through it, is being burnt out and not plouging on through it. Because then you have nothing between you and your thoughts and feelings anymore. No barrier, no shield, no distraction.
And my thoughts and feelings seem to have built up until they started festering and rotting. The most difficult of all: shame. To feel shame is to feel subhuman. Amidst the swirling hurricane of thoughts it creates, it denies you your humanity. You have no capability to feel entitled to yourself. Your past, present or future self. Your past self is the first order of business, and the weapon with which your other selves are targeted: your weakest moments used against your present self, to preemptively destroy your future self.
I read somewhere the antidote to shame is compassion. I’m not sure I have much of that in me at the moment. I don’t feel entitled to it. But hey, that is of course, shame talking. This blog is difficult to do; because I don’t feel worthy to even do this properly. So all I will do, right now, is speak of shame and give it light, and hope it does something. Until then, I will rest. Well, first I will do the shift I have booked for tomorrow. To be burnt out and debilitated by toxic shame is one thing. To live in these difficult economic times where financial needs constantly hang over us, is quite another. Its just yet another layer we have to fight through. Sometimes, you simply cannot afford to be burnt out. And that’s a wretched thing.
I was hoping to be able to type out something more meaningful. Or at least, to wind the post up with something more conclusive. Like a positive twist, or a reflective sentence. But, truth is, today, that’s too hard. I don’t have it in me. For now, I will go back to my book, and my cosy, recently-cleaned-up-living room, and prepare for what I hope to be an enjoyable shift tomorrow. And hey, maybe sometimes you may just not know what’s around the corner. Maybe something new will happen, that will breath a little bit of life into your weary soul.
………Did I just end this post on a more meaningful, reflective sentence? I’m not sure, but that’s the best I can do right now and somehow, it feels the teeniest bit more hopeful.
Halahealing 